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Chasing Sleep

by Anthony Sherratt

One of parenthood's biggest challenges is learning how to survive on not only less sleep but constantly interrupted dreamtime. In fact the early years can be characterised by bleary eyes, lethargy and a mind that moves at the speed of treacle.

There's a reason why sleep deprivation is an effective torture technique.

Approaching childbirth, you're warned that you'll be losing between 400 and 750 hours of sleep in the first year alone. Having lived through what feels like a lifetime of lost sleep in only 30 months, I can tell you that estimate is on the low end.

Our twins were not good sleepers. To be precise there has never been a time when they've both been good sleepers at the same time. We'd struggled through two-and-a-half years of interrupted slumber before things took a turn for the (even) worse when one of the twins started having sleep tantrums.

These awake-but-not-awake crying and screaming fits woke the entire household and months of them left us all worn out physically and emotionally.

We were fortunate enough to be referred to a parenting clinic (aka sleep school). The twins and I spent five days and nights in hospital at the Ellen Barron Family Centre. Each evening a nurse would supervise me putting the girls to bed and give advice as various situations arose.

"There's no simple answers and no one way to address sleep problems. We don't have a magic wand but we do have a range of strategies that allow parents to help the children enjoy better sleep," said Desiree Croft, Clinical Nurse Consultant for the Centre.

The staff's strategies centre around Responsive Settling where parents learn to read cues and body language and react in ways which promote healthy sleep without negativity.

The very experienced nurses calmly guided my responses to the girls; helping me establish routines, boundaries and behaviour in a controlled manner that didn't involve letting distressed children cry.

Desiree says responsive settling is all about how the infant is feeling and shouldn't be confused with controlled crying where everything is based on set times.

"If you need to pick up a crying baby to comfort then you do it. That's what controlled settling doesn't do. It's a timed approach regardless of how the parent and child are feeling. And regardless of how the infant responds to it or where they are at.

"It's really about responding to cues."

Throughout our visit we had constant debriefs and reviews where we analysed what we were doing, going through the nurses' observations and coming up with plans to get the girls into a better sleep.

For our toddlers most of the strategies we implemented centred around behavioural management ... and not just theirs! I had to modify MY behaviour and how I interacted with them.

I changed the way I addressed the girls during the night and when and how I went to them. We taught them how to react and established a new afternoon-into-evening routine that eliminated some of our bad habits.

"It's about coming here and looking at what you've been doing… and how we can improve your strategies. It's teaching YOU (the parent) the skills. You're the one who needs to know how to manage it," she said.

"That's why we don't paint a particular picture that it will be fixed in the five days: that it is part of the process at looking at you and your behaviour and how you can change your behaviour (so you can) do this for the long-term. And setting you up so you can go home feeling you're the best person to do this for your children and replicate it in your home environment."

For us we changed our routine by removing TV and electronic devices in the two hours leading up to bed. We brought in a very consistent order of events including a half-hour of quiet reading time immediately before bed.

We no longer sit with the girls at bedtime, leaving the room after kisses. If they get up we put them back to bed. If we have to talk to them we do so in a calm but firm (not angry) voice. We accepted that it would take awhile for the girls to accept these new behaviours and that it may be hard work in the short-term.

These are just a few components of a much larger strategy and sound so simple I'm almost embarrassed I wasn't already doing them. Looking back we made it hard on ourselves by rushing in whenever a twin cried because we didn't want them to wake their sister. But of course at the time we were doing what we thought was right.

Thankfully, Desiree has some reassurance for me in her general tips.

"I really believe we sometimes try and do too much. And our expectations as parents are very high. So I think the key thing is if you can try and step back a bit. Parenting is such a beautiful time - it goes so quickly. Infants are not little for long. So the tip is try and bring the enjoyment back into parenting."

"Don't feel guilty about what you do or what you didn't do. And surround yourself with positive people who bring you up not down."

To be perfectly honest I went to 'sleep school' hopeful of change but not really expecting it, but the staff were amazing. They were passionate, knowledgeable and patient.

While it was intense, it was a wonderful experience. The girls responded very quickly. Rhapsody - the real problem sleeper - was sleeping throughout the night before the five days was up. Gypsy was a little more problematic but within two days of getting home had also embraced the new routine and was going to be bed without protest AND staying there. And somehow we were getting them to bed 90 minutes earlier than previously.

We almost didn't know what to with ourselves with our extra time!

Incredibly Australia is the only country in the world with these sorts of 'sleep clinics' for parents and families. The Australian clinics share information and techniques constantly overcoming state boundaries for the good of all.

The Ellen Barron Parent Centre looks after all of Queensland (and parts of the Northern Territory) and you need a professional referral so not everyone may be able to attend in person, but the information and strategies are disbursed amongst Health Nurses throughout the state.

Interview

Parts 2 and 3 of my interview with Desiree Croft, Clinical Nurse Consultant for the Ellen Barron Parent Clinic
(Part 1 is currently lost in space)

Some reference sheets courtesy of Queensland Health

Responsive Settling - Settling In Arms A
Responsive Settling - Settling In Arms B
Responsive Settling - Hands On Settling A
Responsive Settling - Hands On Settling B
Responsive Settling - Comfort Settling A
Responsive Settling - Comfort Settling B
Responsive Settling - Toddler In A Bed

And some tip sheets from Tresillian

Settling for 0-12 months
Settling for toddlers

The Sleep Stuff

Chasing Sleep

Recommended Reading

Interview

Some reference sheets courtesy of Queensland Health

And some tip sheets from Tresillian

Other links to help

I recommend